I Wish...

So, I was driving home from work the other day and a song came up on my iPod that I had long forgotten about. “I Wish” by the one and only Robert Kelly, or R. Kelly, for those that aren’t smart enough to realize that the “R” actually stands for something. Let me tell you, what a piece of crap that song is. It is literally 6 minutes of R. Kelly complaining about all the money and fame he has and how he wishes he could trade it all away. Quick question for everyone… do you ever find yourself sitting at home eating a bag of chips when you come across a wish chip? You now the ones, folded in half… have to shove the whole thing in your mouth and your wish will come true…well every time I get one of those little fuckers I say to myself “I wish I had a million dollars”…I know only a million, well that was a lot of money when I started this whole wish chip thing, now it could probably get me a pack of smokes, a tank of gas and a 40 of JD, what has this mad, mad world come too! Now, apparently R. Kelly is the only person in the entire universe (that’s right, aliens included) that doesn’t want money, he wants it all taken away from him, the money and the fame, he just don’t enjoy the game…no more.

Now let me “axe” you a few questions… do you think R. Kelly was so distraught from the game, the money, the women and the fame that he intentionally pissed on a 14 year old and then brought the baloney bus to tuna town, because he wanted to lose all of his money? Maybe, just maybe it was because Mr. Kelly was trapped in that closet for so damn long that he had time to reflect on his life and how after I believe I can Fly and If I Could Turn Back The Hands of Time, his career amounted to nothing.

Anyways, R goes through this whole speech about how his friends wouldn’t be friends with him if he wasn’t famous and how “momma, I want out…” are the exact words out of this whiny little bitch’s mouth. No one is forcing this man to sing are they? Is he performing with a gun to his head? Why not just donate all of his money to charity and become a decrepit drug dealer, like Jay-Z was? And then after wishing for everything to go away, what he is really wishing for is for someone to come and “braid his hair”, so I just listened to 6 minutes of complaining because your hair isn’t braided. Mine hair isn’t braided either but I can still manage to function in life…what a ponce.

And my last piece against Robert is…(drum roll please) how many times can you say “trapped in the closet” in the closet in one song? Mind you the song is 27.5 hours long, but he says trapped in the closet like 7 times in 3 minutes in the beginning… now I’m in the closet, he looks at the closet, I’m still in the closet, he steps up to the closet, she says oh no not the closet, I’m standing in a closet, I want out of the closet, he opens the closet. I imagine it is hard to come out of the closet, but at least R. Kelly had two supporting friends Rufus and Kelly to help ease his transition into the gay community.

Moral of the Story: If you are going to pee on someone don’t videotape it.

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J