The Smiler

Jack Nicholson did a great job at being the Joker, I believe it was combination of his smile and how he portrayed the psychopath, and frankly Jack Nicholson is just one scary looking bastard. Heath Ledger did a phenomenal job at taking the character to the next step with his morbid portrayal of the most sinister evil genius in all of comics, DC or Marvel. Yet, as I sit here in class today at look around at all the other students in class I realize that there is one person in my class that should have been giving the role just based on his creepy smile. I don’t know his name, nor does anyone else and we all just refer to him as either “that weird ass smiling guy” or just simply “the smiler”.

This guy has got to be the creepiest person I have ever come across in my total existence. We are all just minding our own business at our table in class, G-Doug, StrangeAss and SabC when I look to my left and the smiler is just staring at our teacher with his big grin rocking back and forth in his chair. Why he is smiling when we are learning about Marketing Report Writing is beyond me, but to each his own and I assume that this guy either has the world’s biggest boner or just really likes the subject, maybe both. So, I just burst out laughing because this guy is just too much, last week I caught him staring at the doorknob to get out of class for a good 10 minutes before he realized you had to turn it.

After laughing and pointing out to my friends that this creeper is just staring and smiling at our teacher, who we will call Macedonia, he does a really slow exorcist head turn and starts staring at me. Not good, I don’t want to die, and if anyone I have ever met at school seems like the guy to show up with AK-47 and a bomb, ready to spray and blow us all to hell with him, the smiler is the man. I try to return the stare but it is just to unnerving because of his creepy ass smile, it is like God told the world’s funniest joke and this kid is the only person who got it.

The next hour and a half of class is the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my entire life, beating the time the girl ask me if we were going out, while we were in bed, and I had to say no, and that was colder than Coors Light cold, let me tell you. An hour and a half goes by and this guy has done nothing but stare at my table with the stupid smile and giggle at us, than class ends and my group goes up to the teacher to discuss the final assignment we were just handed and instead of living this guy gets up and stares at us the whole time we are talking to the teacher with that smile. Then I go stand next to him and mimic his smile to get a laugh out of my friends and we take off before the smiler decide to use my insides as his Halloween mask this year.

Just to finish how weird this guy is he had to do a presentation in front of class with a group of people and he didn’t do anything but smile and stare at the wall at the back of class and giggle to himself. Pretty weird, no?

Morale: Whatever drug that guy is on, find some.

J

I Wish...

So, I was driving home from work the other day and a song came up on my iPod that I had long forgotten about. “I Wish” by the one and only Robert Kelly, or R. Kelly, for those that aren’t smart enough to realize that the “R” actually stands for something. Let me tell you, what a piece of crap that song is. It is literally 6 minutes of R. Kelly complaining about all the money and fame he has and how he wishes he could trade it all away. Quick question for everyone… do you ever find yourself sitting at home eating a bag of chips when you come across a wish chip? You now the ones, folded in half… have to shove the whole thing in your mouth and your wish will come true…well every time I get one of those little fuckers I say to myself “I wish I had a million dollars”…I know only a million, well that was a lot of money when I started this whole wish chip thing, now it could probably get me a pack of smokes, a tank of gas and a 40 of JD, what has this mad, mad world come too! Now, apparently R. Kelly is the only person in the entire universe (that’s right, aliens included) that doesn’t want money, he wants it all taken away from him, the money and the fame, he just don’t enjoy the game…no more.

Now let me “axe” you a few questions… do you think R. Kelly was so distraught from the game, the money, the women and the fame that he intentionally pissed on a 14 year old and then brought the baloney bus to tuna town, because he wanted to lose all of his money? Maybe, just maybe it was because Mr. Kelly was trapped in that closet for so damn long that he had time to reflect on his life and how after I believe I can Fly and If I Could Turn Back The Hands of Time, his career amounted to nothing.

Anyways, R goes through this whole speech about how his friends wouldn’t be friends with him if he wasn’t famous and how “momma, I want out…” are the exact words out of this whiny little bitch’s mouth. No one is forcing this man to sing are they? Is he performing with a gun to his head? Why not just donate all of his money to charity and become a decrepit drug dealer, like Jay-Z was? And then after wishing for everything to go away, what he is really wishing for is for someone to come and “braid his hair”, so I just listened to 6 minutes of complaining because your hair isn’t braided. Mine hair isn’t braided either but I can still manage to function in life…what a ponce.

And my last piece against Robert is…(drum roll please) how many times can you say “trapped in the closet” in the closet in one song? Mind you the song is 27.5 hours long, but he says trapped in the closet like 7 times in 3 minutes in the beginning… now I’m in the closet, he looks at the closet, I’m still in the closet, he steps up to the closet, she says oh no not the closet, I’m standing in a closet, I want out of the closet, he opens the closet. I imagine it is hard to come out of the closet, but at least R. Kelly had two supporting friends Rufus and Kelly to help ease his transition into the gay community.

Moral of the Story: If you are going to pee on someone don’t videotape it.

Need suggestions for new posts, just leave suggestions in the comments.

J