There is a certain point in every young man's life were he has to really realize which of his dreams are fantasies and which of his dreams he can turn into reality... I recently had one of these life altering realizations about the dreams and goals that I have set for myself... For example I am never going to win a Superbowl as a QB for the Niners...Play for the ever loved Manchester United Red Devils...or sleeping with Kate Beckinsale. But I have realized one of my dreams that I can possess, and that my friends is owning my very own elephant as a pet, best friend, confidant and vehicle...I was recently out with My brother Josh, his girlfriend Emily and My good buddy Chris and we got into a little discussion about the reality of me having a pet elephant and comlications that would arise from having one... I have an argument to contradict all of their nay-sayings, although some are not strong they are still all valid points leading me to my destiny of owning an elephant.First and foremost the most valid point for owning an elephant is the fact that it would be really fucking awesome with a capital "A". Here are some of the contradiction as I was faced with from my peers and my replies to each to prove that although far fetched it is entirely possible."Where would you keep an elephant"Now, I admit this one was a real tough question given the fact that I live at home with my folks and I live in a town house. But again I chose the most likely and easiest answer to silence my critics... I would keep the damn elephant in my back yard... obviously tied to a tent peg to prevent it from staying before I had it house broken so it wouldn't wander the wilderness that is Streetsville."Elephants take really huge shits, how would you deal with that"Since my elephants diet would consist mostly of left over dinners and hay the shit would actually work as a great natural fertilizer so I could start growing my own hay to feed my elephant and save on money from buying hay in the first place. Also, on a quick tour of Mississauga and the surrounding regions I did not once encounter a sign saying pick up after your elephant so I assume that since their are no by-laws regulating the feces of elephants I could just take it for a walk down to the local dog park (which I will petition to be changed to dag/elephant park, so that it is politically correct) to use the facilities there along with the other pets."Elephants are slow, how would you ride/drive it in public?"Obviously I would have to use roads and all major highways since it will probably weigh atleast one metric ton and it is too big to use bike paths and sidewalks. Also, I understand that the elephant will not be able to go speed limit as cars do. So if an irate motorist decided to, pardon my french, but to put it eloquently "fuck" with me, I would proceed to turn my elephant around and stomp the shit out of that "mother fuckers" car and teach him a thing or two about fucking with someone who owns an elephant."What would you name your elephant?"Simply put I would call him, Fred. I feel that is a classy name and it would suit my elephant, his pet name from me would be Mr. Droopy Ears and to everyone else that doesn't want to be sit on it would politely be Mr. Fred The Elephant, Sir."How would you control an elephant while you were driving?"That is easy I would simply use reins much like a horses but on a larger scale. It would also turn left and right by my vocal commands once I have Fred properly trained on the road laws governing ontario. Also, since Fred is not much of a booze hound, I could techinically drink and drive since he would be in control on those long rough nights."Africa is hot, Canada is cold, surely your elephant will die from the elements?"Yes, you are certainly correct that Africa is hot and Canada is cold, it doesn;t take Einstein to figure that out. I would have to build an elephant house for Mr. Droopy Ears for those winter months where he could just relax and kick back, maybe watch the game and eat some hay. It would have central heating and cable t.v. as well as a giant pond for bathing, drinking and just some good old swimming. Also, if people decide to follow suit maybe Fred will one day vring home some elephants bitches to either spread his seed or wifey, I'm not to controlling over so it is entirely up to him what he does with his women. I know, I know where is he going to poo? right? well after about six months of intensive training and building during the warmer summer months Fred will have a toilet and fully potty trained by than so I really don't see that as an issue."Where would you park Fred at school, and how would you keep him there?"The easiest thing to do is park fred in a regular parking spot, although I will have to double park, but what cop is going to have the balls to ticket a fucking elephant, none that I have heard of. (Fred will also have insurance, a liscense plate taped to his ass and registration stickers, updated annually). I would than have to tie Fred up to a truck or any automobile with a hitch attachment on it. And because he weighs a fucking ton, literally, I will have no fear of the outher vehicle driving away because that is clearly impossible. Also, Fred will be trained to gently subdue and detain any daring person that tries to untie him from their vehicles.So, you see all questions have been reasonably answered and having a pet elephant is more of a reality that ever before. Using the two motto's that I try to live my life by "if there is a will, there is a way" and "persistance and perserverance gets shit done" I have found a way to silence all of you who are trying to keep me from my dreams and oppress me from fulfilling my full potential. you can all laugh now, but I will the last one laughing when Fred tramples all over your fucking house. And when you all decide that a pet elephant is man's new best friend and "obtain" your own that we can form an elephant rider gang, that I would like to call "Serenghetti's Angels" and we can go "Stampeding" much like they show in the movie Jumanji... just don't say Jumanji out loud, Fred lost a brother and an uncle in that cruel, cruel game.So when people try to tell you you can't have something or do something just remember my good friend "Mr. Droopy Ears", and you will feel confident that anything in this world is possible.
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