The Night That Ended at 8 (for one of us at least)

It all started when a girl we knew, started dating a guy we didn’t. For the sake of the story let’s assume the girls name is BigK and that her boyfriends name was PissPants. BigK really wanted us to be friends with her knew boyfriend, whom we all already knew from grade school and our neighbourhood, but never really spoke to him much, because he was “not cool enough” (teenagers are sad aren’t they?). So being the ever courteous and accepting human beings that we were at 17, we decided to let this kid, PissPants, into the fold.

Now my friends and I were pretty heavy into the booze (all of us) and cigarettes (most of us) when we were in high school and I guess the new boy PissPants took it upon himself to try to fit in with the rest of us. So he brought him self a nice 500 ml water bottle of Canadian Club Whiskey. I was handling a six pack of Busch and a six shooter of Vodka myself, but 12 drinks wasn’t much for the seasoned veterans of alcoholism that we were back than. Upon entry to my buddy, whom we will call LiqourEECH, PissPants decided it would be a genius idea to drink all 500ml in one massive chug. Obviously this is not a bright idea for a kid who has never taken a drink in his life before.

The following is a timeline of the events that ensued for the next 45 minutes of the night.

7:00 p.m. - PissPants is rolling around the pool table in the basement complaining about how drunk he is right now and begins to spit on the felt of the table.

7:02 p.m. – My friend Skakes and I begin to worn PissPants that if he doesn’t stop spitting on the table we are going to beat the shit out of him and kick him out of the house… PissPants looks us directly in the eye (well the best that crossed eyed drunk could look I guess) and spits on the table for the final time that night.

7:04 p.m. – PissPants is now being dragged off of the pool table and thrown into a support beam in LiquorEECH’s basement by Skakes and me. We then proceed to drag him up the basement stairs and to the side of the house where all he can do is complain that he doesn’t have any shoes on, this turned out to be the least of his worries.

7:10 p.m. – My Friend Harry (obviously not his real name) comes to the side of the house with PissPants shoes… PissPants is slamming the back of his head against the brick wall screaming at me to stop pushing him. I tell him he is crazy and push him into the corner between the fence and the brick wall.



7:12 p.m. – PissPants is now going on about how he is going to kill me… the conversation went a little something like this:
PissPants: “I’m going to fucking kill you for this Jon!”
Jon: “Okay, if you are so sure you are going to kill me why don’t you stop talking like a nutless bitch, stand up and get it over with?”
PissPants: “Well, I’m not going to kill you I am going to pay someone else to kill you”
Jon: Whatever PissPants, just keep your mouth shut and sit there!”
I then proceed to grab one of his shoes from Harry and hurl it into PissPants balls… he doesn’t even flinch. Upon, seeing this Skakes, Harry and I can’t believe that he just took a shot to the testicles and didn’t even acknowledge that it happened. Harry throws his other shoe with a perfect bulls-eye in the old division sign…no reaction.

7:15 p.m. – After heckling PissPants for a few minutes and laughing at him in his drunken stupor, Skakes begins to break up some of that old Mary Jane for an evening smoke. PissPant’s eyes light up… he wants some weed, but alas he is too drunk to roll it. I offer to roll it for him… Drugs and money exchange hands.

7:20 p.m. – 7:30 p.m. – I am inside the house rolling the joint and playing video games for the next ten minutes… unfortunately the joint was just a cigarette emptied out into a three paper… the weed was saved for Skakes and I. I decide that I should add a few buds for flavour and scent so PissPants doesn’t wise up to our scheming ways. I make my way back upstairs.

7:31 p.m. – I open the front door and our friend T-Mac is honestly 4 feet in the air and he than comes down like a bat out of hell and leg drops PissPants on the chest…Breaking 2 of PissPants ribs. At this point I am rolling around on the grass laughing at PissPants as he begins crying for his “Mommy”, a recurring theme in this story.

7:33p.m. – PissPants finally stops crying and gets up and stumbles/sways/crawls across the street to lie down in the middle of a guys driveway, right on the sidewalk. PissPants is moaning and crying for his Mom and screaming at all of us when all of a sudden he goes completely quiet and only stares at the beautiful blue sky…everyone quiets down to day dream when we are all brought back to reality by the gut wrenching sound and image of PissPants puking straight into the air while lying on his back creating a fountain affect that is landing on his face.

7:33p.m. – After two minutes at marveling at PissPants while he put on a chunk blowing sprinkler show, we realize that maybe, just maybe, if this kids luck is anything like it has been tonight than he is surely going to choke to death. One of the girls, brucelee, kicks PissPants in the side until he rolls onto his side.

7:34p.m. – PissPants enraged, wakes up from his own private puke fest, just like Will Farrell did in Old School after taking a dart in the neck. Again, we are all still laughing at him as he starts sprinting to lie back down on liquorEECH’s front lawn were he can “lie the fuck down and sleep this fucking thing off.” Good luck little soldier good luck.

7:35 p.m. – After a 30 second cat nap PissPants wakes up ready to take on the world, but first, he needs to use the facilities. Instead of just going in his pants, or inside which would have been the two good decisions, he leans against a tree and whips it out. So PissPants has he pants around his ankle and his hog, more like a piglet, in his hand in broad daylight.

He begins to urinate, he starts to sway, his shoulder leaves the tree he was leaning on, when he goes back to lean on the same tree, his body has shifted, he misses the mark.
TIMBERRR…PissPants crashes to the ground, with his pants still on, but wait his dick is no longer in his hand, it is aiming at his face…and still pissing.

7:40p.m. – Harry decides he has seen enough of this kid piss and puke on himself, and enough of the kid’s package hanging out in the breeze like it’s the goddamn gay pride parade. Harry decides to cover up PissPants with his own jacket. As he runs over to cover the still peeing almost lifeless mound of human flesh that is PissPants, he laughs aloud and screams to us “someone should tell this kid to trim”. This starts a new bout of laughter, and the edges of the real dilemma are becoming clear… What are we supposed to do with PissPants for the rest of the night, we don’t want to babysit that sack of shit.

7:45p.m. – So, I decide that the only course of action to take in regards to PissPants and his oh so lovely apparel of shit and piss, is to call his parents and tell them to pick him up. The general consensus is that this is the best idea.

7:48p.m. – I dial his number and tell his parents that “we found PissPants in the park and we are really worried about him, we think he might be drunk, he is passed out. He is at the corner of the park; we’ll wait for you to come get him.

Conclusion: PissPants parents show up to the park and try to say that the person lying on the ground in a drunken stupor covered in his own piss and puke, is in fact, not their son. We convince them that it is and they pick him up off the ground, their faces turn to disgust as they realize what he is covered in and throw him back in the van. Our night goes on as planned; we continue getting drunk and laugh at the idiot that went home at 8.